Marriage

Question:
Right now, my husband is the only one working while I am a full-time college student. I am looking for a job but honestly have been so depressed and stressed out that I haven't been trying very hard.

He is very obsessed with money, and with our money situation being so tight at the moment, he has turned into a monster. He calls me lazy and worthless all the time. He sometimes refuses to let me buy necessities, like razors, because he "feels better if he can go one day without spending any money.

"I feel like I have completely lost myself in this marriage. Every single dollar I spend he makes me feel guilty about. When I try to explain to him how hurtful his words are, he said "I will respect you more when you get a f***ing job." One day he will be nice and do sweet things, like clean the entire house and cuddle with me, and then the next day he will be so cruel.

He has told me things like he hates buying gifts for anyone (including me) and just wishes no one would ever get him anything so he wouldn't feel obliged. He actually uses my wedding ring against me. When I tell him he is cheap, he will say "who bought you that $1200 ring?" Even when I was making money as well, he has been like this.

Over time I have realized that I am now completely dependent on him and ridden with guilt over it. We are going to go to marriage counseling soon, but it took me telling him I wanted a divorce for him to finally agree to go. He doesn't feel like anything is wrong.

I feel like I have actually come so far. I was raped last year and went through a depression where I pretty much did not get out of bed for 10 months. Now I am meeting new people, going to school, and living on my own 5 out of 7 days a week because my husband goes to school in a different town. But instead of being proud of me for coming so far, he just sees the negative and tells me I need to 'get over it'.

So do you think there's any hope this man can change or should I get out while I can? He can be so good at times but then he says such hurtful things I can hardly stand to have my emotions up and down all the time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answer:
Its hard to say if he can change. I think some people are just the way they are, and there is no changing that. But others, I think if they want it enough and will work hard enough, they can. I don't know which one your husband is, because I don't know him. Its hard to imagine a man as insensitive as your husband being able to completely change his attitude and ways.

I DO think counseling is a great idea, that way you can figure out what is causing his anger and disrespect towards you. It doesn't seem normal for a husband to be calling his wife names, and making her feel so awful... especially when she is dealing with depression, and having had been raped only a few months before. I agree, he should be applauding you in the progess you have been able to make... not making you feel like crap for not being able to just 'get over' your depression over your rape.

You need to fully devote yourself to counseling... and after a good amount of time if you do not see progress in his attitude, and treatment of you, or even a hint of it... I would leave. You should not be with someone who is so unsupportive, hurtful, cruel, cold, harsh, and disrespectful... especially considering your circumstances. You have been through something awful, and he should be understanding of that... despite what you have been through, however, how he is treating you is wrong.

I truly hope you can work it out, and get to the bottom of why he is like this towards you. I hope things work out for the best. Just do not put up with it.

See more replys at: http://members.lovingyou.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=183054